Who I Really Am: A Lesson in Vulnerability

Do you ever feel like you’re being a Fake? Do you hide the messy parts of your life so others can’t see them?

Why is it that we sometimes feel like we need to put on a happy face, even when we don’t feel happy?

Or why do we scramble around the house at lightning speed, frantically picking up clothes and dirty dishes when a friend calls and says she’s going to swing in for a few minutes?

Do I really think my friends cares one bit about my dirty house?

When I flip that question over on its side and ask if I ever notice the state of chaos in a friend’s house when I visit- I must admit that I don’t pay attention to those types of things when I’m at other people’s homes. So, why do I internalize those things when it’s at my house? Why do I feel like a mess and that people are judging me when my house isn’t in order?

The better question is why in the world do I feel like I need to put up a perfect front?

I’m going to let you in on a secret.

I struggle with the need to be accepted and the desire to make people think that I have things all together- even when I don’t.

Ten months ago, we hosted a Holiday Boutique at our home, where several local vendors set up booths and sold their goodies. We invited the community to come in and shop. It was a fabulous time. In order to get the house ready to have that many people, we had to pick up all of our clutter, our piles of paperwork and our junk. At the last minute, I didn’t have anywhere to stash it all so, feeling quite clever, I decided to pile it all up in our bedroom bathtub. The door to this room would be closed during the Boutique and nobody would ever notice my unruly bathtub. I was able to stash away my unkempt junk where nobody would ever lay eyes on it and our house would be picked up, perfect for strangers to see.   Brilliant! (or so I thought)

Let’s fast forward to today….I hate to admit this, but I haven’t ever unpacked the bathtub- all my junk is still there. Thankfully, we have a separate shower to use.

This got me thinking. My mountains of paperwork aren’t the only things that I try to hide from others. I keep my feelings to myself, so I don’t have to share my messy emotions and I can momentarily feel better about my situation. However, with time, the
stress of keeping things bottled up to myself eventually wears on my soul and I break.

What would happen if we were transparent with one another? Truly transparent. Meaning, when someone asks how we’re doing we honestly tell them. What would happen if we let people through the front doors of our homes and into the messy rooms, with paperwork, piles of clean clothes that just haven’t been folded yet, dishes in the sink and un-swept floors?

Or better yet, what if we just let people into our lives?

I think it would make life easier for all of us. We wouldn’t feel inept at keeping up the perfect front because we’d all be real to one another. Our faults, our weaknesses, our struggles could all be shared openly with the people around us. I think that would be freeing, in a way. If I knew how my sisters in Christ struggled in their day to day lives, then I could relate to them in a deeper, more personal way. I think our relationships would be stronger because when we try to compete to see who has the more “perfect” kept up house, we feel like we never quite measure up. Inadvertently, we almost set each other up for failure, without ever meaning to.

So I challenge myself and my fellow girlfriends to stop hiding!

Let’s stop hiding all of our junk- whether its paperwork in the bathtub or fear or anxiety or life’s other messes….

Let’s start being real with one another and if the laundry doesn’t get put away before you stop by to visit next time- remind me that it’s ok!