Have you ever been that odd man out? The third person in a conversation between two people and you aren’t being included? That group of athletic friends that are headed out to play ball and you aren’t very talented at it? Or on the dance floor? We all feel that way at times. I can find myself feeling that way when my family heads to a beach or a waterpark.
I discovered shortly after getting out of the hospital that far fewer people stared at me and my scarring than I had initially imagined that they would. We had gone to a burn survivors conference and a speaker there had talked about maintaining eye contact and how this was part of the difference between a victim and a survivor. This speaker also talked about how our society today is a busy, self-absorbed society that people would rarely notice my scars. Prior to hearing this I had been playing the part of a victim and not making eye contact and not even looking around to see if people were even staring at me. Hearing this speaker started the process of me starting to be more aware of my surroundings, and they were right. I could sit on a bench and watch people come and go at a busy mall and rarely if ever would someone even glance my way. This was a tremendous boost to my confidence and me getting to my new normal.
As I ventured out more and more into public, I found this to be more and more true.
Not that I would not on occasion find someone that did stare, or would ask a question. That while getting change from a cashier at check out lane wouldn’t be surprised when I would reach for my change with my disfigured hand. But this would all happen much less than I could have imagined from that hospital bed. I’m sure my kids have experienced some of the brunt of this with teasing and embarrassment, but I was quickly able to realize that it was just part of it. If I was going to get back involved in life that was happening around me I would just have to suffer through some of that. As life got busy, and it always does, I became used to it. Even to the point of not always noticing that it was even happening.
My family has always enjoyed the water whether it was pool, waterpark or the beach. Here is where being odd man out comes into play. My wife who hates the cold and snow, wants to escape to a warm beach to break up the long stretch of winter. How do I fit in on the beach?
I have to be careful in the sun for a couple of reasons. The pigment in my scarring isn’t evenly distributed anymore, so any tan I get ends up very patchy. Early on when the scarring wasn’t mature, this patchy tan could become permanent if I got too much sun. The skin graphs are also fragile, so I have sunburnt my shoulders in the past and when the normal peeling process started to happen the next day, I was left with open areas as all my skin peeled off in that area. I’ve found the sun block clothing and wide brimmed hat to be the easiest way around the house to protect my self from the sun. But what does this look like or how functional is it on a beach, a guy wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants?
At the beach or pool I’ve found that people aren’t as busy, I get noticed a lot quicker.
Less clothing means more of the scarring is exposed, which means more people will take notice. People are out there to relax and enjoy the sun and water. Their lives have slowed down.
I have had to make the decision if I was going to let the fear of being the odd man out prevent me from having fun with my family. It always comes down to what we choose. I can choose to not go and deny my self the enjoyment of being with family. I can choose to go, but hide and sulk in my long sleeves and pants. I can choose to go and participate with as much as I can. I apply my sunscreen multiple times during a day and keep the water handy, but I have spent hours in the sand building with my son or similar hours riding water slides with my daughter.
You can choose to be the odd man out or you can choose to get involved in life.
Which means I’m wearing sunscreen and a swim suit, and I will see you in the water.
And I hope you can find the warmest water on he warmest beach in this county or any other country for that matter. I think there are a few others who feel that you deserve it. Enjoy it with your family. You’re my hero!! And I love your wife more than biscuits and gravy!! And I sure miss her biscuits and gravy or was that your biscuits and gravy and she just took the credit? That doesn’t matter!!
Bob-
Maybe you and Mary can come over for brunch some day for some of those amazing biscuits…but the secrets out of the bag- David makes the biscuits and gravy- I have no part of that special yummy recipe.