Facing Reality: When People Stare

“Shazam! What happened to you? Were you attacked by a bear or something?”

Much to our dismay, that was an honest-to-goodness sentence that came out of someone’s mouth one time. How do you even try to respond to that?

What makes it worse is that it happened on the first time David had taken his shirt off in public. We were in a hospital, waiting for someone to come into the room to measure David for his pressure garments- a very tight fitting head-to-toe garment that helped reduce scarring. Another patient in the room saw David and was intrigued by David’s new physique.

We were mortified. Stunned. Speechless.

We didn’t have any words, so awkwardly we looked away, and mumbled a short, quiet response, “he was burned.” (And we refrained from adding, “you idiot” to the end of our remark.)

Over the years, our entire family has had to handle stares, gawking, rude questions, and even pointing. We’ve also experienced very kind people who were simply curious as to why David looks the way he does, who have simply wondered what caused his injuries. And we’ve had to learn ways to respond to people.

Luckily, within the first year or two of David’s accident, the two of us were able to attend a conference for burn survivors, hosted by The Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering anyone affected by a burn injury through peer support, education, and advocacy.

At a particular workshop, we learned the importance of having a set of tools in our “toolbox”. The speaker instructed us on how to develop our stories. She encouraged us to be armed with the appropriate story ahead of time so we wouldn’t be caught off guard again. We needed to be equipped to respond to different people with a specific, well-rehearsed version of our story;

The short version, “I was burned, but I’m ok now.”

The longer version, when people have earned the respect we feel they need in order to hear it

The sarcastic version, “I was attacked by a Chihuahua,” or better yet, “I have leprosy!” was used recently at a waterpark.

Having our responses prepared for people’s questions has proved incredibly valuable over the years.

We try to be intentional about giving people an opportunity to ask us questions, by opening the door of communication up by mentioning the accident or saying something like, “… after David got hurt…..” That way they feel like it’s alright for them to ask.

We’ve learned that if our family is comfortable with our situation, it allows the people around us to be ok as well. If they see us interacting and joking around, or even just doing life normally, then they realize we aren’t bitter or angry and are more open to a conversation. Sometimes strangers just don’t know if it’s alright to ask us a question, so then they stare. We try to make people feel comfortable around us so they can see that we are pretty transparent.

By far, the most difficult situation we encounter is when a young child is curious, maybe pointing, and asking his mommy about what happened to that man and the mother is mortified so she tugs her child away or spanks him for asking. That truly breaks our heart. That child is just naturally curious about a man that looks different.

Staring, we’ve realized, is just a human response when we see someone or something that’s different. We stare too, when we are curious about something.

Questions, when asked with kindness, are always welcome!

Just ask us. Really, it’s ok!