Two months ago, at a not-so-subtle urging from God, I decided to step back from much of my work.
I’m a self-employed graphic designer (when I’m not writing), so that means walking away from a good percentage of my income. But I’d been praying about my work, asking God to help me, and the answer was crystal clear.
But not without questions. How will we pay our bills? What will I do instead? No idea, but the feeling is so strong I couldn’t not make some changes. Even though I was trying to be obedient, I still struggled with how to set boundaries, not to mention that I remain unsure what they need to be.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when God physically immobilized me a few days later. I tore the biceps tendon in my right elbow and had to wait a month for surgery. My right/dominant arm is completely immobilized for at least two more (of six) weeks.
I am completely off work. Unable to operate a can opener or tie my own shoes or cut my own food. When this splint comes off, I’ll work to slowly regain full motion in that arm, but will start by not being able to lift more than one pound.
It’s aggravating at times, but I know it’s nothing more than a temporary inconvenience. There are so many bigger, harder, more debilitating things that others live with permanently. However, I’m not good at not doing. Terrible, in fact. I like to be good at what I do. I’m an achiever, list-maker, rule follower.
But right now, I can’t do. I can only be.
Over the years, God has intervened in my work. At just the right times, I’ve lost clients, my contacts have been downsized or changed careers, and new work has appeared out of nowhere. But then a few months go by, and I notice my dwindling bank account, and I take things into my own hands, going right back to the stress and chaos and general overloadedness that is how I’ve lived for way too long.
So I’m determined to actually learn this lesson this time. Because I sense that it goes deeper than work.
It’s about my spiritual life, which has gotten lost in the chaos.
It’s about reclaiming the person God designed me to be. About recommitting. Rebuilding — strengthening — my relationship with God. Growing comfortable with God in the stillness. Reading the Bible without a pen in hand — going deep, and remembering. Having a relationship that isn’t dependent on writing or doing. One that is simply about being. Abiding. Dwelling in that secret place with God. And going to that place first, not trying to find room for it after I’ve done everything else.
Can I let you in on a little secret? I’m not sure if I really know how to do this.
Who am I when I’m not working like a crazy person? How do I fill my days if not with more busyness? I started this “time off” by doing the same things I’ve always done, just more slowly. Then a friend suggested to me that this time is a gift — so why would I fill it up with the same ol’, same ol’? She had me there.
But what in the world does that look like? How do I move forward when I don’t exactly know what direction I’m headed?
Slowly. That seems to be the answer. I’m trying to listen to my body and rest. I’m starting my day with prayer. I’m intentionally making space to connect with people I enjoy. During this enforced time of rest — as I’ve let my crowded mind slow to a leisurely pace, as I’ve accepted the fact that I need help and cannot do it all myself — one idea keeps coming to me: All in.
Am I “all in”? Have I offered everything — all control, all power, all authority — to God? I may have been all in at different times in the past, but am I today?
When I wrote my first book, my intentions were pure and unclouded by worries about sales figures and platform. All I wanted was to tell people about this amazing God I’d found. When I started my design business, it was about using my abilities to improve my quality of life and be there for my family. But then the world crowded its way in with numbers, measurement, goals, competition. And I guess I kind of lost direction. Even now, I want to ask God for guidance and make (new) plans and lists and schedules—but by doing so, I’ll be missing the point of this time completely.
Because Jesus just says, “Follow me.”
And following isn’t about doing, achieving, succeeding, excelling. It’s about watching Jesus. And moving forward.
Following isn’t about doing, achieving, succeeding, excelling. It’s about watching Jesus and moving forward. Click To TweetSo I’m following, a step at a time. I’m asking God to put my priorities into line. I’m asking God to make my relationship with Him pure again.
ALL IN.
It’s a scary prospect. It means no looking back. Not getting caught up in the details, not asking what if, not having a plan B. It means letting go of my control freak tendencies. Setting aside my OCD proclivities. It means I need to stop striving/earning/achieving and start believing that whatever happens, it is enough. It will achieve God’s purpose. It will effect the right changes. It will open the doors I’m meant to walk through — but only those.
It. Will. Be. Enough.
It’s not about me at all. It’s about Him.
It’s not about what I can accomplish. It’s about Who I’m walking with.
And because this approach is centered around God—all about Him, completely for Him, and inspired by Him—it will be beautiful. And larger and more important and greater in value and farther-reaching and more deeply soul-feeding than anything I could cobble together on my own.
Are you facing any big changes in your life? Can I pray for you? Leave a comment with as much (or little) as you feel comfortable sharing.
BIO: Kelly O’Dell Stanley is full of doubt and full of faith. She’s also the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray (coming in August 2016). With more than two decades of experience in advertising, three teen and young adult kids, and a husband of 25 years, she’s learned to look at life in unconventional ways — sometimes even upside down. She enjoys living in small-town Indiana, where she operates her own graphic design business, reads too much and cleans too little, and thrives on coffee and deep discussions with friends. Visit prayingupsidedown.com to connect with her blog or download free monthly prayer prompt calendars.
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