Nobody told me how difficult marriage would be. Growing up, I dreamed of the day my Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet and we’d live happily ever after. When I thought about marriage, I thought more about the wedding day- the perfect dress, the flowers, the rings, the reception menu, the decorations- than what it actually meant to be a wife, let alone what a Godly marriage should be.
After 21 years of marriage, I’ve learned a thing or two along the way.
I’ve learned that marriage is a never-ending compilation of many ups and downs. Just when it seems like you have things all figured out, you get a curve ball thrown at you and you have to learn something new, rethink your strategy and try again. It’s not a leisurely walk in the park. It takes a whole lot more work than I ever anticipated. Marriage is all about learning how to go with the flow and sticking it out through the tough times and then enjoying the wonderful times that follow.
That being said, we’ve put together a list of our top 6 lessons that we’ve learned through all that marriage has taught us. Check back in another 21 years and I’m sure this list will have tripled! 🙂
1. Compromise. Some of the toughest moments that David and I have had in our marriage have been centered around our parenting skills. We struggled, at times, with how to blend our different upbringings and backgrounds into our own style of parenting. We disagreed about how and when to discipline our children.
When we first got married we even disagreed on what going to our local county fair looked like. I grew up as an only child in Minnesota. I wasn’t involved in 4H or any similar clubs. When we spent a day at the local fair, we went with the exciting anticipation of riding all the midway rides over and over again, and we literally ate our way through the fairgrounds, sampling hot gooey cheese curds, corn dogs, pizza, ice cream, funnel cakes and more. I had no idea there were projects displayed at the exhibit halls or animals that were being showed. David, however, came from a family with three children and they were involved in 4H activities. So the fair always involved looking at the projects in the many exhibit halls. They packed their lunches in a cooler and partway through the day, they’d have a picnic. They didn’t go to the fair to eat the junk food or ride the rides. When we were dating, this issue never came up in our premarital counseling sessions. But after we got married and moved to New York, we found ourselves planning a trip to the local county fair. The day was awkward and honestly not much fun because David and I disagreed over and over again about what it meant to go to the fair. We had completely different memories and expectations. It took time and work to develop our own, brand new game plan for our young family. We both had to compromise and we learned to give and take a little bit in order to develop our new traditions and new ways of blending who we were before we met and who we wanted to become together.
2. Be on each other’s team. Through our marriage, I’ve tried to be David’s biggest fan, his #1 cheerleader. We all need someone in our lives to encourage us, support us and the cheer us on. I don’t want David looking for this from anyone but me so I try to cheer the loudest. I try to be interested in the things that he enjoys. This might mean spending more time in the great outdoors than I really like or it might mean going to the latest action movie or it might mean trying to understand what he’s telling me about some engineering type gadget that I have no clue about. I try to praise him and let him know he’s wonderful and that he’s my #1 Guy in the universe. I try to thank him for all he does for me, so that little acts don’t go completely unnoticed.
3. Know what the other person needs. Years ago, David and I were able to do a marriage study at our church based on the book, “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. The tidbits that I learned through that study have been extremely valuable lessons. While I can’t say that I always remember to practice all the principles laid out, I try to the best of my ability. Husbands need to feel respected by their wives in order to be able to show love to their spouses. And on the flip side, wives need to feel loved by their husbands in order to want to show them the respect they need. Another very important thing is that I don’t ever talk about David poorly to anyone- this means to my girlfriends too. If I have an issue with David, I talk to him about it not to anyone else. I think it’s very important to honor my husband and speaking badly of him doesn’t do that and it surely doesn’t honor God. When David and I struggle in our marriage and when we go through times of not connecting very well with one another it usually falls back to the fact that one of us has messed up in meeting the other one’s needs for love or respect.
4. Speak your mind. I’ve also come to realize that David cannot read my mind. If I don’t tell him how I feel or what I’m thinking, he simply cannot know by osmosis. This leads to the fact that communication is key in a good marriage. If I don’t openly talk about my desires, wishes, likes and dislikes David isn’t capable of knowing them. I cannot fall back on the “….if he truly loved me, he’d know why I’m upset” type of thinking. I need to share my disappointments, the reasons I’m feeling hurt or my fears with David and he needs to do the same. If we don’t do this, we can’t try to meet the needs of one another.
5. Make others a priority. Marriage is all about putting someone else’s needs, desires and wants before my own. That’s not an easy thing to do because we’re all selfish beings whether we want to admit it or not. Philippians 2:2-4 says, “then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
David is really good at this. He has helped me to seek ways to serve others, but he serves me and our children all the time. Just a couple weeks ago, he swept me off to New Orleans and Baton Rouge for a few days to regroup, re-energize, to relax and to go see a concert that I really wanted to see. Our lives have been crazier than normal lately and he knew exactly what I needed, even better than I did. I wasn’t sure we could leave town the week before Christmas, but he helped me see that we needed some time together instead of getting caught up in the Christmas Crazies.
6. Carve out time. I think in order for a marriage to prosper, it’s vitally important to make marriage a priority. It’s so easy to let our kids rule our house, especially when they’re young, but even as they grow up it’s easy for their activities to rule our home. David and I have tried to take time for us on a somewhat regular basis. We haven’t always been good at scheduling it, but we try. Sometimes it just meant making time for each other by meeting for lunch or going grocery shopping together or going out for coffee. It was tough to go out on dates with much regularity when the kids were little and we didn’t have our families nearby to babysit, but even then, we’d hire a sitter once in a while. Years ago, we tried to get away for a few days in early December to do some Christmas shopping and wrapping while we stayed at a quaint Bed & Breakfast. We’ve also gone on marriage cruises and other marriage workshops which are a great way to stay intentional about working on your relationship. Getaways are always great, but going to a marriage workshop is a priceless investment because instead of just making small talk in a pretty, relaxing environment, we actually learn tools to apply to our daily lives and we practice them. We have a friend who tries to schedule 2 dates a month with her spouse. One date is a “business meeting” when they talk about schedules, kid’s activities, their family calendar and finances. The other date is truly a date for them, where they focus on one another and the other business is off limits. Marriage requires work and time. We must take time for our relationship with our spouse. It’s easy to get lazy, to just talk about surface type things and not get into the nitty gritty, but we must make time for one another so we can work out all the little details that marriage entails.
Marriage isn’t easy- it’s not for the weak. But all the work you put into your relationship is an investment that pays off in the long run. I pray that I’m a much better wife today than I was when David and I first got married and I hope I can continue to learn how to be an even better wife in the days to come.
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