Parenting is the toughest job I’ve ever had.
It’s much harder than corn detasseling, working in a nursing home, waitressing, or even substitute teaching.
The problem with parenting is that there’s no manual that lists out the steps or instructions.
Sure, there’s plenty of books and articles written on the subject, but most of them conflict with one another, leaving us totally bewildered.
One thing we’ve learned over the years is that parenting is constantly changing — our techniques and styles change as our kids have gotten older. Just when I’ve started thinking I’ve mastered the whole parenting thing, the rug gets ripped out from under my feet and I’m back at square one again, trying to make sense of it all and trying to figure out what I need to do next.
Here’s a short list of 5 things that I’ve found out through trial and error:
- Try your hardest to keep communication open.
This might be more difficult at times, but make sure your kids know you are there for them if and when they ever want to talk with you. Remember that sometimes it’s better just to listen than to offer any advice or to lecture them on the subject. Our son, Nathan, has not always been one to share his feelings openly. But I cherish the times in the last few years that he has found me reading in my room before bedtime and he sits down on the bed and opens up his heart to me for hours at a time. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it’s special. It’s important that our kids know we’re available when they’re ready.
- Let them make their own decisions and mistakes.
OUCH! This one hurts to the core. This is tough, but it’s necessary for our kids to be allowed to make decisions for themselves as they mature. As parents, we have to sit back and let them deal with the consequences of those decisions. It’s not our job to sweep in and rescue them. We want them to learn life lessons and the only way for this to happen is for them to make mistakes and to learn from them.
- Know the difference between being a tight-fisted parent and an open-fisted one.
I’m a control freak. I’m detail-oriented, and I’m a planner, and I like to map things out way ahead of time. After David’s accident, I’ve had to fight the strong urge to keep my family wrapped in bubble wrap so nothing bad would ever happen. When I get trapped in this mode, I tend to parent with a tight grip on my kids. As they’ve grown up, I’ve needed to learn to let go — to give them more independence and to open up that death grip on them. After all, I need to remember they are God’s children and only on loan to me for a little while. Instead of trying to control their actions and decisions, I’ve had to learn to step back a bit and try to only influence those actions and decisions. There’s a big difference. As the kids have gotten older, they come to us for advice on topics. We let them make the ultimate decisions.
- Love your children for who they are — not for who you thought they should be.
It’s difficult on parents when their kids don’t grow up into mini versions of themselves. When our adult children don’t make the same decisions that we’d make or act the way we think they should it’s hard to step back and allow them to be unique sometimes. In actuality, I don’t want a bunch of mini-me’s all around me. I want my kids to be themselves; but when we realize, as parents, that our kids aren’t wired the same as us, it’s hard to embrace it. Once I accepted that our daughter was created uniquely as herself, I was able to stop trying to make her fit into my mold and our relationship became less difficult.
- Be flexible.
As our children have grown into adults with “significant others,” their priorities have changed. Some of our family traditions have had to change as well. Let these things evolve with time. Learn to go with the flow. I remember when our daughter, Samantha, asked to invite a boyfriend to our family celebration of David’s birthday for the first time. I drug my feet. I didn’t want our family time together to ever change, so I resisted some of these requests. However, now it’s much easier to include friends and other people into our family traditions because we’ve been doing it for a long time. Now that our daughter and her husband are expecting their first baby, I’m guessing some of our traditions will be changing again!
Our parenting goal is for our children to become successful members of society who contribute in a positive way to their community. We anxiously watch as they turn the corner from the teen years and become less like children and more like adults. As they mature into adults, our parenting styles need to change. As parents of adult children, we need to strive to become their peers.
Our job as parents doesn’t end when our kids move out of the house. Our role changes, but hopefully we will respect one another and our relationship will morph into a lifelong friendship more than child and parent. I love it when one of our kids calls to invite us to dinner or out for a day of shopping. I love just spending time with them.
How have you handled the shift in your parenting roles as your kids have grown up?
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